這次是真的分手了嗎？

我終於拿回給他的所有鎖匙，那是我的小天地和家的鎖匙。

究竟他犯了什麼大錯，我要如此狠心的拿回所有？把我們七年的感情，於一晚內摧毀？

跟他七年了，還不是本年12月初才有信心，把家中鎖匙給他，背後的意義是要給他一個名份及肯定的地位，然而半個月的光景，竟來個180度的改變，是為了什麼？

這個12月真的跟他吵了很多次，差不多是見一次吵三次........

他真的如此不濟嗎？

絕對不是！問題是我，是我的不安、飄忽不定、自大自私的慾望，做成了我難以捉摸的個性；說他死性不改，其實應該說自己才對......他犯最大的錯，是太愛我、太縱容我，把我寵壞了，把我寵成皇帝一樣，最終變成了一個不可理喻的怪物.......

我曾說過：『愛我，就絕不能怕我，怕我就會變成害我！』

這是真的，我根本就是隻野性難馴的野豬，卻穿上了不倫不類的人皮外衣，化身成自以為是的皇帝豬，我是多麼可悲、可恥，不但拿別人給我的愛當垃圾般亂掉，還把愛我的人，趕至絕路，恨不得把他迫死為止，我為什麼會這樣？？？

我很討厭我自己，我自私的性慾，把一切都遮蓋了.......

原本是快快樂樂的開始，卻變成了一發不可收拾的悲劇，我是發了什麼瘋.......

當我在刑架上發晦氣，說不玩了，只要他不要怕，把我按著，不讓我翻身下地，繼續我們未完的遊戲，慾火發了，那就什麼事都不會發生；然而他怕的要命，又不懂思考、應對，因為我的慾火無法喧洩，慾火就爆發成了殺人的脾氣，一下子我也失控的亂叫亂跳，把他嚇的半死，看到他那怕得要命的樣子，更令我的小宇宙變本加厲，把他迫得像隻受驚的小鳥，一句話也說不出來，什麼行動也停止下來，連碰也不敢碰我.......

可是他這樣子，不但沒有按壓著我的脾氣，反令我更加放肆........因為我沒法下台，沒法自控，那一刻內心很難受，卻又不懂說出口....我真的很想有人制上我....

如果，那一刻他緊緊把我抱著，或拿起繩子把我綁起來，我就會乖乖的靜下來，可是，他卻是那麼的愛我、寵愛，口口聲聲的說對不起，一動不動的給我責罵、給我散野，反而釀成了一發不可收拾的局面.....

說到底，把他的自信摧毀到這個地步的人，還不是我.....他越寵我、我就越壞......我越壞、脾氣就越大....脾氣越大、我的歪理就越多....歪理越多、就令我更加失控的去責罵他......

我在面書上的留意，其實是想激發他的怒氣，令他更加堅強，更加像個男人，然而，他的一個回應，令我哭了，我崩潰了，原來我適得其反....我為什麼要這樣迫死我所愛的人，要說對不起的是我，我只是因為自私和一己私慾，心想付出了那麼多，也應該拿回一鱗半爪，卻欲求不得，所以才會如此神經，我錯了.....我知錯了......對不起....

I was changed (2)

I meet some guys from internet, they add me and say want to be my Master at first, after several chat in Msn/Skype, I figure out they are not real Master. Then my bad practice will come out. I will pretend nothing happen and ask will change our position from slave to become his Master. At last all they will thirst for accept it and told me the real idea of them.....

Actually I don't mind they are slave or Master but I really mind they are not sincerely. Why lie to me? Do you know it was so hurt for a slave to get a fake hope. Every time I get high and hard when I think I meet a real Master and told them whatever I need, and send them all my picture and video, show him my heartfelt wishes, but only get disappointed at last.

Due to I'm slave too, I understand how a slave desire for a Master. In past, I will do them a favour, will enslave them one or two times. And I trust them will repay me once to enslave me back initiatively. However they won't....

I build my dungeon, buy a lot of tools which seem like not for myself but for them. Every time after we play, I provide bathroom, towels, drink, food and services. But I got nothing back.....

I will think that what they need, and do that what they hope. Why I need to do that? Because I'm too naive and too simple, still fantasy that we are same, we are family, we are a special group of people and need to help each other. They won't help me back and only ask for more and more and more.

I like to play with foreigner because in my mind, they are very straightforward, Master is Master, slave is slave, confirm play will play, otherwise will say no.

But now I got changed, I don't believe it anymore! Maybe some of them live in Hong Kong for long times, they seem to assimilate by chinese, no such honest but false.

I don't want to be an idiot anymore, I write "100% slave" in my facebook cover and status out "I'm slave" in my Skype/msn. However still have slave to add me, because they want me to intro some Master to them. In past, I will give them without any hesitation. However after some Master complain, I know that I need to protect my Master.

Yes I still will intro some Master to slave but at least you need to give me your face pictures and status that I forward to my Master. Then he want to find you or not which not my control and I can't give you my Master cell phone and contact without his permit.

By the way, I success my hope once a time in Taiwan and once a time in Hong Kong, this year I went to Taiwan for fun, I meet a guy who are slave, I play him two times. After our second time fun, he ask me to borrow my ropes, actually I misunderstanding he need me to give him my ropes, anyway I need to back Hong Kong. So I don't mind to give those to him. When he got the ropes, he whispers to tell me, he want to tie me up. Yes he really done that and then caress me for awhile, although I didn't cum but I'm super high and happy in fact.

I ask him why he done that to me, the answer was "I think you travel so long to Taiwan, and you also are slave, at least need a repay". Actually my tears around my eyes at once, and I also want to give him something to commemorate. Then I leave him a Lycra Spiderman costumes because he wear it was super good fits. And I promise next time to Taiwan will find him again if he don't mind.

And the other time was an Indian who worked in Hong Kong. We met in social networking, he told me he was a 50/50 and don't mind to enslave me but he don't know how to tie, so need me to teach him. Then I send him some link and videos to show him how to tie. We also met at my playroom and teach him how to tie and have our first fun. After a week, he found me again and I just think that he wanted to bondage him, so we still met in my playroom. But come out he told me he want to tie me, I feel very surprise that he really try to follow my videos and link to learn how to tie. And then we are being a bondage playmate over a year till he back to USA.

I was changed (1)

When my Taiwan's Man (my lover/my Master) was gone, I was changed, my eyes were opened and my mind was clear. I can figure out who are my friend and who just using me to make him happy but without mercy...

When the time his gone, at the same time, a Taiwan's friend message me to interrogate last time we play. His body got hurt and need to visit doctor after we play. I feel very sorry about it and make an apology, however he didn't accept and haunted me for several days. Although I busy to prepare the funeral, although I have not enough time to sleep, I still follow his request to send him whatever he need. Cause I treat him as my best friend and really feel sorry about his hurt.

Actually last play, not only he and me but have another 3 guys there. My friend and I slave him. How about the remaining 2 guys do??? He told me that one of them when seeing him got hurt has shaking head to feel us very unduly. Why him didn't stop us and give us some signal to stop?? The true is they are lover, someone who feels belongs to him only but not, so one of them jealous and angry, the other needs to pacify him. However he didn't blame them, his reason is they didn't play him but we did..... But I know the real reason was he wants to keep the good relationship with them, because he needs to use his place and his help in future.

I don't want to explain anything, when he told me his body got hurt that is a fact. I need to take that's my sins, although at the same day, he didn't only play with me, also have play at night time, although his hurt not really come from my hands but I have play and didn't stop that's my fault. And not only he confirm is my wrong, he told me that when he discuss with some friend about me those agree I'm not correct. So I'm guilt and nothing need or can to say.

In this case, I really find out that who are my friend, that should not be the guy only told him he has shaking his head and feel unduly of us but do nothing, he really a big mouth guy.

After the play, I ask them to lunch together, but due to the big mouth guy still angry and didn't join us. I don't think that is a right and good behavior. Instead to do his lover a favour, this is selfish and impolite attitude to loss the friendship. Yes, he is my first one to unfriend from facebook after the day.

However the story was not end.... Same month I need to travel to Taiwan. Nearly the day of my travel, he message me again says he know that I will travel to Taiwan to visit his best friend. He will not tell his best friend about I hurt him. But he was very worried that I will hurt his best friend when we play....

Oh my god! That should be to intimidate to warn me don't come to find his friend. But he didn't know his friend have prepare everything and we need to stay together in 3days, how do I ask him to cancel everything?! God will help for it, due to some reason, we cancel the stay and within the trip I keep my promise to stay away his best friend.

In that moment, really make me feeling worried and I really don't know why I will hurt his friend. Although we play, I will be slave of his friend instead a Master. I don't think he is wrong, because he is protected his friend to avoid my hurt. Just a wrong timing anyway, his message send to me after I post a SM photo in Facebook which make me associate that he didn't want me to feel happy at that time.

By the way, his warning occur effect, I give up to immigrant to Taiwan. He let me know everywhere is the same and that's why I didn't join the Gay Parade in this year. And I still remember don't go to bother his best friend anymore.

我真的那麼像主嗎？

我一開始就是錯......

我不想麻煩別人，因此我很自主獨立，有苦不會呻一句，痛就藏在心中淌血......

我一直協助身邊的人，供應地方、時間、工具，甚至金錢......

奴一個一個的加我，我開始煩了，為什麼別人都覺得我像主，縱然說明我是奴，還是要求我玩他，甚至介紹主給他；請體諒一下我吧，我也是人，我也會累 ，please give me a break....

我幸福嗎?

很多人都說我很幸福，因為我擁有很多東西，至少在玩樂方面，我有地方、有工具；生活上，我亦有穩定收入，可以購買我喜歡的東西；感情方面，我獨立、自主，所以我是被定義為幸福的人。

有些說自己不幸福的人，其實比我更幸福；他們沒有擁有太多東西， 甚至乎收入不穩，可是他卻得到不少人的主動協助、慰問；不過，這就是上天的公平了，因為他們缺了的、成為弱者的，自然該得到別人的憐憫、照顧、關懷，而我這些不缺的、堅強的，就該去支持、協助、關心別人.....

其實我也很想別人主動的關心我......我感覺我變了，不想再當好人.....

面對死亡後 我長大了

一直白白痴痴去當好人，永不會拒絕別人的要求，是太自以是，以為自己是救世主嗎？！

根本是自大包著自卑，自以為是的幻想自己能力有多大，其實是一無是處的廢物，也為不少人帶來無可估計的後果！

我想要長大了，不要再當別人的漏氣水泡，反而要找一對強壯的臂彎來依靠，我該當回真正的我，一個弱者！

請你開口說句話

我真的很易動怒！但為什麼我會如此呢？又是誰令我動怒呢？

我會為他付出！卻不奢望他有什麼回報，因為知道他沒有可能有什麼回報可以做得到！然而我只是凡人一個！我想他可以在沉默的時候，給我片言隻字，這也是我曾向他要求過的唯一回報；可是，他從沒有為我把此事記在心上！

也許是我一廂情願、也許是我的無知、也許是我太過天真，不過這是最後一次，我相信我長大了，我也要為我將來設想……

沉默的讓他一個人沉默下去好了；我還是要活在當下，過我美好的人生！

我不會再擔當沒有要求回報的好人！！

是一個黑夜

他今晚該離去了，坐在他的床邊，我哭了，但卻不可以讓他知道，帶了手提電腦給他看我的照片，再把一些他挑的照片放上面書，那是一種溫馨，卻在不合時的時間.....

看著醫生給他一些安睡的藥令他入睡，才敢離開一下~~

面書的留言又令我情緒不定，沒法子的跟他纏上，也許是在這一刻的減壓.....謝謝您的責備，令我人生裡有一些其他的事情可以顧及到.......

明早去辦殯儀....

你給我什麼？

昨天post的那句話：我不是你的主打歌，卻是B面的第一首！

令我又再把一套下戴回來，沒有看完的電影，繼續努力去看！

我很愛早上踏健身單車看電影，今天就找回這套未完的戲來看！

又給我找到了一句：你要什麼？你要我給你什麼？…………但我要的你給不了……

兩性之間，是不是一定要你給我，我給你？愛一個人，就不是要無私的奉獻嗎？還要計較那麼多？原因也許是你根本不愛他，才計較回報？就如戲中，大家都在尋取代品吧！？

難道是B面的第一首就不是歌嗎？

影響SM 生活體驗的因素

前天看到朋友面書中的Post文 “很多因素會影響SM生活的體驗”，內容是說SM角色中任何一方，都需要某些條件的配合才可以有機會體驗一吓SM的樂趣；比如：外形、道具、有沒有地方，知識及技術，甚至是圈內名聲 及性能力等等。

但我卻忽然聽到一句話：『我雖然不是您的主打歌，但我是您B 面的第一首。』

我聽了眼前一亮，對！我人生一向就不會是別的的主打，但我不介意退而求其次成為別人的B面第一首，就算是滄海遺珠也不打緊，也因為我知道我的本錢所在，我亦從不挑主，只要是合拍、啱玩的，我蒙上眼根本就什麼也看不到，那會介意那麼多，重要是能享有那一刻的體驗就已經足夠了.....
 

想那麼多，不如Drop 一吓

我開了drop這一欄，卻很少在此發言！

我得承認我是輕度完美主義者！每章貼文，都會反覆多看幾次，才會發表出來，這樣子卻令那些即時的感覺都一去而空了……

而另一個問題是，我是一個健忘的人，但又有很多一閃而逝的想法，結果是還未握緊，它就在我腦內消失了80%；當我有心想寫下時，就記不起全貌，就浪費不少時間去想、去雕琢了，結果該發表一、兩十字的，就材思敏捷地寫上數百、千字……最後還有可能是不了了之....

所以要Drop，真的很難.......

好心做壞事 還是魔鬼扮天使

我一直認為來者不拒，我真的很少說不，有人要求幫忙，我不會Say No，也許一直是自大包著自卑，很想從幫助別人來給自己一個存在的價值。

我並不是真的喜歡當施綁者或施虐者，當然綑綁別人會有一點點的興奮，但只是倒影投射，把自己代入其中吧！然而綑綁別人，最主要的目的，還不是以奴的心態去想，自己也想得到被綁的樂趣，所以就用這份心態，去幫助別人達成心願~~

然而自己的無知，卻間接為別人增加了不少傷害，也許是自己耐力驚人，不自覺，綑綁別人時也就重手了，把人弄傷、弄痛，不但傷了別人的身體，也傷了一份友誼......

那種感覺，尤如刀割，真的很痛很痛......

今天是2013年8月20日，我已決定不再主動的去當綑綁者或施虐者了，就簡簡單單的做回自己，當一個受綁者好了，免得把身邊的朋友，弄得身心傷透........

對不起啊~~ 給我弄傷過的朋友們.......

擁有、施予

當你什麼也沒有，你根本不知道擁有是什麼滋味！
但當你曾經擁有，你就絕不想失去，所以開始擁有就會使你墮下地獄！
我本是一無所有，每天只是坐著、爬著、躺著……
沒有等待、沒有希望、但沒有怨氣、沒有憎惡，因為我什麼也沒有接觸過……我的世界就是100平方米的空間，吃、喝、拉、睡.... 都在這個地方，天天也不用，也不會接觸外面的世界，根本不知道 - 人 - 應有的生活樣式；
可是很偶然間，我離開了我的世界，進入了這個大世界，由害怕到接受，由接受到擁有.....
我只有不斷的學習......學習不要輕易領取別人的施予，學習不要輕易去擁有東西，因為一但領取、擁有後，你會不肯放手，也會不捨得放手......更甚的是：得人恩惠，千年記……
然而人那會沒有貪念，那會甘心一無所有，所以我開始學詭詐、學觀人面色、學阿諛奉承，學退一步海闊天空......
我不是什麼聰明人，只是人越來越大，相對擁有的就越來越多，也越發明白擁有過程當中的辛酸；因此當我站穩了腳，就開始學施與，學幫助別人，幸運地我更學懂了幫人盡量不作聲，我不是什麼好好先生，而是我真正明白什麼是一無所有的滋味，也更明白向人乞討是何等可憐的事！
己所不慾、勿施於人！獨樂樂、不如眾樂樂！我相信，有別人的幫助，加上自己的努力，就會事半功倍，何況我們是同志的這類人，世界並不是人人會認同我們，所以我們更加要團結起來，無私的為將來努力。

愛熱鬧？愛靜！？

很多人都認為我是喜愛夜蒲！極愛熱鬧的人！
其實我是很怕與人交往，雖然我可以蹈蹈不絕，絕無冷場的說過不停！
但不代表我真的愛說話……
反而我喜愛靜靜的躺著！不說一句話，不用音樂陪襯，就是懶懶的躺著就行……
二人世界更勝群體聚會，只要躺在他身邊或給他抱在懷內，那就足夠了……

發怒最傷害到的，還是自己！

常聽人說：真相是越辨越明的；倆口子最幸福的是可以吵嘴！

說的真有道理，在吵架爭拗時，就是你一言我一語的把自己的想法、理據說出來，當然總有些難聽說話會夾雜著沖口而出，然而只要是道理所在，大家都是成年人，總不會含怒而終吧，而且這樣一場的爭吵，或多或少的令你更能體會到對方的所想所需，從而明白將來相處之道，除非你所持的是歪理，又或你根本不想再交往下去！

可是，人絕對各有志向，亦有其個人尊有的應對方法，就算我如何接受不了，只要你想留著這個朋友，還是要接受下來，縱然對方對你如何的好、如何的認識你、如何的明白你不喜歡這樣的應對方法，但到達他自以為是的個性後，他還是會用自己的方法去處理吵架這事宜！

我只能說朋友就是朋友，因為他不是你，也不會去作你喜歡的事，特別是在吵架那一刻！

我有一個很要好的朋友，當吵架時，永遠只有我一個人在說話，他就是那麼的沉默是金，而且不是一次兩次的如此；任我多次說明、萬次要求，希望他有一點回應，至少我會知道我想的是對是錯，他還是保持一向作風，默不作聲，他的理據就是：不想你一句、我一句的爭吵下去；就是這樣由我唱獨腳戲，一個人自己去想對錯，卻永遠得不答案……

因為他看穿我的個性，知道那一刻的沉默過後，就會沒事發生過一樣，而事實上我也會“好像”把事情忘卻一樣，與他和好如初，然而埋藏在我心底下的情緒，卻苦苦相纏數天，難以入眠、工作錯亂，人就像斷線風箏，茫然若失，本已身子弱的我，更會怪病來襲！

這是這個朋友喜愛對我的處罰，因為他清楚我有著這一個情緒病！

您明白自己想要什麼嗎？

我總是給人不認真，玩玩吓的感覺，永遠都像長不大的孩子，只懂玩樂行先，其他就是求求其其！

但熟識我的人就會知道，我只是小事求其，大事卻認真得很，玩的時候更是十分投入、一絲不苟！雖然已經改變很多，可是江山易改，本性難移！我得承認，身體的柔韌度有點異於常人，故對綑綁的難度也比常人接受更多！要求自然也多！

刑虐、強制取精，也是我所喜愛的，我當主的時候，這幾個玩點是少不了的，只是我會配合對手喜好和經驗來遷就，一些跟我玩過的都會了解這點！

我是喜歡眾樂的人﹝不是指多P喇，雖然我也喜歡。﹞意思是：被玩和施玩者，在玩時都要、都會開心，各有所得，不是單方面的享受；因此每次和奴玩過後，都會問他感覺如何，有什麼要改善或增或減，明白到各有喜好，可以配合到的，都會盡量配合！

不過，正如我的主旨：『要眾樂』，所以，我也要快樂、我也有我的喜好；有些奴會有些無理要求，我是答應不來的……曾有個奴說，什麼也不玩，只喜歡玩木乃伊，然後請我為他打手槍……

呵呵，我跟他說，那是要我當主來服待你嗎？他回答我是：你可以玩我的弟弟，不過不可以太用力，射了要停，還要馬上的解開，要溫柔的、要慢慢的，不可以弄痛他……

哈哈，真是感激他這麼恩賜啊！我真不明白，玩虐是什麼意思！？

停一停、諗一諗

某些人可以不理前恩後果的去做事，不過只要是自己負回責任的話，那無不可！

可是有些人不理前恩，卻留下後果讓那些人去承擔！那就是不負責，絕對要不得！

勿論有些人是有心無意，還是無心之失，但要那些人去為他分擔後果或解決後果，絕對不是一件應該的事！也許有些人不會知道、亦不會明白，當那些人無言協助的背後，所付出的代價有幾多，及所面對的問題是多麼嚴重？！有些人只會白白的去享受那些人無言的協助，就連一句多謝也不用！

有些人只花了幾秒鐘去處理前恩，卻要那些人花盡心思去處理後果！這是值得的嗎？這是應該的嗎？難道有些人不可以事前處理好一點前恩，後果不但容易解決，甚至根本不用解決，而且還會是一個美滿、完美的後果！

只要留心一點、在意一點、認真一點，前恩就不會是胡亂的做完，而是完美的做好，那後果絕對也是好的，不但不用再多花時間去處理、去解決，反之是開開心心、愉愉快快的去享受！

然而有些人卻可以三番四次的隨意完成前恩，引起嚴重後果！令那些人不但費盡心血，額外付出時間、精神去處理這些可以避免的不必要後果，令原本快快樂樂的心靈，殘留在鬱鬱不歡、萬劫不復的空間，遲遲未能解困；相反有些人仍然繼續高床暖枕，就如置身事外一樣！

當那些人向有些人討回公道時，有些人根本不知問題所在，亦不知道自己有問題！還高聲投訴：『我已是盡力而為，你還想我如何？』最甚的是，有些人還會沉默不語，讓那些人乾著急，一口鬱氣久久無法舒懷；結果，有些人不但沒有改過，所而變本加厲，把前恩繼續任意、隨意妄為！最後那些人為了讓事件盡快解決，也不想太傷有些人的自專，結果就將責任當成是自己的錯算了………

不過看清楚一點，看深一層，這也確是那些人的錯！如果那些人把有些人視作好友，一次又一次不計後果的去幫有些人，那錯的絕對是那些人，是那些人的縱容使有些人不知悔改，這就是那些人視不應作朋友的有些人為友，這是前恩，故需接受應有的後果，所以根本沒有抱怨的理由；那些人可以一早割席離坐，事情早可解決！

若說有些人是那些人的親友、愛人的話，那就更加是那些人的錯！錯在前生作了前恩的孽，故今生賞還應有的後果！可悲……可悲……

因此不想來生去受今生的後果，凡事停一停、諗一諗，把事情做好，而不是做完，為自己為他人去好好的行每一步吧！錯了，也不是什麼大不了的事情，只要承擔後果，自己努力想方法去解決、與人商討一下解決方法去解決！絕對不要以為沉默真可成金！

大家努力、共勉之！