我有江湖地位！

很多人都說我在網路上很紅！
很有江湖地位！

可是這個“紅”、這個“江湖地位”，是如何得來的呢？

要紅很易，只要不斷的在網上無私的分享照片、影片、故事……這樣就會得到很紅的讚賞！這個我絕對勝任，因為分享是一件很簡單的事，只要你堅持你分享是正確而有益別人的，再加上無私的心或玄耀的心，就很容易辦到了！

可是江湖地位呢？！這個就有點難了，其原則有不少，但重要的是有錢、有時間和要有阿Q精神！

嘻嘻嘻…不明白？

明天再說……

這次是真的分手了嗎？

我終於拿回給他的所有鎖匙，那是我的小天地和家的鎖匙。

究竟他犯了什麼大錯，我要如此狠心的拿回所有？把我們七年的感情，於一晚內摧毀？

跟他七年了，還不是本年12月初才有信心，把家中鎖匙給他，背後的意義是要給他一個名份及肯定的地位，然而半個月的光景，竟來個180度的改變，是為了什麼？

這個12月真的跟他吵了很多次，差不多是見一次吵三次........

他真的如此不濟嗎？

絕對不是！問題是我，是我的不安、飄忽不定、自大自私的慾望，做成了我難以捉摸的個性；說他死性不改，其實應該說自己才對......他犯最大的錯，是太愛我、太縱容我，把我寵壞了，把我寵成皇帝一樣，最終變成了一個不可理喻的怪物.......

我曾說過：『愛我，就絕不能怕我，怕我就會變成害我！』

這是真的，我根本就是隻野性難馴的野豬，卻穿上了不倫不類的人皮外衣，化身成自以為是的皇帝豬，我是多麼可悲、可恥，不但拿別人給我的愛當垃圾般亂掉，還把愛我的人，趕至絕路，恨不得把他迫死為止，我為什麼會這樣？？？

我很討厭我自己，我自私的性慾，把一切都遮蓋了.......

原本是快快樂樂的開始，卻變成了一發不可收拾的悲劇，我是發了什麼瘋.......

當我在刑架上發晦氣，說不玩了，只要他不要怕，把我按著，不讓我翻身下地，繼續我們未完的遊戲，慾火發了，那就什麼事都不會發生；然而他怕的要命，又不懂思考、應對，因為我的慾火無法喧洩，慾火就爆發成了殺人的脾氣，一下子我也失控的亂叫亂跳，把他嚇的半死，看到他那怕得要命的樣子，更令我的小宇宙變本加厲，把他迫得像隻受驚的小鳥，一句話也說不出來，什麼行動也停止下來，連碰也不敢碰我.......

可是他這樣子，不但沒有按壓著我的脾氣，反令我更加放肆........因為我沒法下台，沒法自控，那一刻內心很難受，卻又不懂說出口....我真的很想有人制上我....

如果，那一刻他緊緊把我抱著，或拿起繩子把我綁起來，我就會乖乖的靜下來，可是，他卻是那麼的愛我、寵愛，口口聲聲的說對不起，一動不動的給我責罵、給我散野，反而釀成了一發不可收拾的局面.....

說到底，把他的自信摧毀到這個地步的人，還不是我.....他越寵我、我就越壞......我越壞、脾氣就越大....脾氣越大、我的歪理就越多....歪理越多、就令我更加失控的去責罵他......

我在面書上的留意，其實是想激發他的怒氣，令他更加堅強，更加像個男人，然而，他的一個回應，令我哭了，我崩潰了，原來我適得其反....我為什麼要這樣迫死我所愛的人，要說對不起的是我，我只是因為自私和一己私慾，心想付出了那麼多，也應該拿回一鱗半爪，卻欲求不得，所以才會如此神經，我錯了.....我知錯了......對不起....

I was changed (2)

I meet some guys from internet, they add me and say want to be my Master at first, after several chat in Msn/Skype, I figure out they are not real Master. Then my bad practice will come out. I will pretend nothing happen and ask will change our position from slave to become his Master. At last all they will thirst for accept it and told me the real idea of them.....

Actually I don't mind they are slave or Master but I really mind they are not sincerely. Why lie to me? Do you know it was so hurt for a slave to get a fake hope. Every time I get high and hard when I think I meet a real Master and told them whatever I need, and send them all my picture and video, show him my heartfelt wishes, but only get disappointed at last.

Due to I'm slave too, I understand how a slave desire for a Master. In past, I will do them a favour, will enslave them one or two times. And I trust them will repay me once to enslave me back initiatively. However they won't....

I build my dungeon, buy a lot of tools which seem like not for myself but for them. Every time after we play, I provide bathroom, towels, drink, food and services. But I got nothing back.....

I will think that what they need, and do that what they hope. Why I need to do that? Because I'm too naive and too simple, still fantasy that we are same, we are family, we are a special group of people and need to help each other. They won't help me back and only ask for more and more and more.

I like to play with foreigner because in my mind, they are very straightforward, Master is Master, slave is slave, confirm play will play, otherwise will say no.

But now I got changed, I don't believe it anymore! Maybe some of them live in Hong Kong for long times, they seem to assimilate by chinese, no such honest but false.

I don't want to be an idiot anymore, I write "100% slave" in my facebook cover and status out "I'm slave" in my Skype/msn. However still have slave to add me, because they want me to intro some Master to them. In past, I will give them without any hesitation. However after some Master complain, I know that I need to protect my Master.

Yes I still will intro some Master to slave but at least you need to give me your face pictures and status that I forward to my Master. Then he want to find you or not which not my control and I can't give you my Master cell phone and contact without his permit.

By the way, I success my hope once a time in Taiwan and once a time in Hong Kong, this year I went to Taiwan for fun, I meet a guy who are slave, I play him two times. After our second time fun, he ask me to borrow my ropes, actually I misunderstanding he need me to give him my ropes, anyway I need to back Hong Kong. So I don't mind to give those to him. When he got the ropes, he whispers to tell me, he want to tie me up. Yes he really done that and then caress me for awhile, although I didn't cum but I'm super high and happy in fact.

I ask him why he done that to me, the answer was "I think you travel so long to Taiwan, and you also are slave, at least need a repay". Actually my tears around my eyes at once, and I also want to give him something to commemorate. Then I leave him a Lycra Spiderman costumes because he wear it was super good fits. And I promise next time to Taiwan will find him again if he don't mind.

And the other time was an Indian who worked in Hong Kong. We met in social networking, he told me he was a 50/50 and don't mind to enslave me but he don't know how to tie, so need me to teach him. Then I send him some link and videos to show him how to tie. We also met at my playroom and teach him how to tie and have our first fun. After a week, he found me again and I just think that he wanted to bondage him, so we still met in my playroom. But come out he told me he want to tie me, I feel very surprise that he really try to follow my videos and link to learn how to tie. And then we are being a bondage playmate over a year till he back to USA.

I was changed (1)

When my Taiwan's Man (my lover/my Master) was gone, I was changed, my eyes were opened and my mind was clear. I can figure out who are my friend and who just using me to make him happy but without mercy...

When the time his gone, at the same time, a Taiwan's friend message me to interrogate last time we play. His body got hurt and need to visit doctor after we play. I feel very sorry about it and make an apology, however he didn't accept and haunted me for several days. Although I busy to prepare the funeral, although I have not enough time to sleep, I still follow his request to send him whatever he need. Cause I treat him as my best friend and really feel sorry about his hurt.

Actually last play, not only he and me but have another 3 guys there. My friend and I slave him. How about the remaining 2 guys do??? He told me that one of them when seeing him got hurt has shaking head to feel us very unduly. Why him didn't stop us and give us some signal to stop?? The true is they are lover, someone who feels belongs to him only but not, so one of them jealous and angry, the other needs to pacify him. However he didn't blame them, his reason is they didn't play him but we did..... But I know the real reason was he wants to keep the good relationship with them, because he needs to use his place and his help in future.

I don't want to explain anything, when he told me his body got hurt that is a fact. I need to take that's my sins, although at the same day, he didn't only play with me, also have play at night time, although his hurt not really come from my hands but I have play and didn't stop that's my fault. And not only he confirm is my wrong, he told me that when he discuss with some friend about me those agree I'm not correct. So I'm guilt and nothing need or can to say.

In this case, I really find out that who are my friend, that should not be the guy only told him he has shaking his head and feel unduly of us but do nothing, he really a big mouth guy.

After the play, I ask them to lunch together, but due to the big mouth guy still angry and didn't join us. I don't think that is a right and good behavior. Instead to do his lover a favour, this is selfish and impolite attitude to loss the friendship. Yes, he is my first one to unfriend from facebook after the day.

However the story was not end.... Same month I need to travel to Taiwan. Nearly the day of my travel, he message me again says he know that I will travel to Taiwan to visit his best friend. He will not tell his best friend about I hurt him. But he was very worried that I will hurt his best friend when we play....

Oh my god! That should be to intimidate to warn me don't come to find his friend. But he didn't know his friend have prepare everything and we need to stay together in 3days, how do I ask him to cancel everything?! God will help for it, due to some reason, we cancel the stay and within the trip I keep my promise to stay away his best friend.

In that moment, really make me feeling worried and I really don't know why I will hurt his friend. Although we play, I will be slave of his friend instead a Master. I don't think he is wrong, because he is protected his friend to avoid my hurt. Just a wrong timing anyway, his message send to me after I post a SM photo in Facebook which make me associate that he didn't want me to feel happy at that time.

By the way, his warning occur effect, I give up to immigrant to Taiwan. He let me know everywhere is the same and that's why I didn't join the Gay Parade in this year. And I still remember don't go to bother his best friend anymore.

我真的那麼像主嗎？

我一開始就是錯......

我不想麻煩別人，因此我很自主獨立，有苦不會呻一句，痛就藏在心中淌血......

我一直協助身邊的人，供應地方、時間、工具，甚至金錢......

奴一個一個的加我，我開始煩了，為什麼別人都覺得我像主，縱然說明我是奴，還是要求我玩他，甚至介紹主給他；請體諒一下我吧，我也是人，我也會累 ，please give me a break....

我幸福嗎?

很多人都說我很幸福，因為我擁有很多東西，至少在玩樂方面，我有地方、有工具；生活上，我亦有穩定收入，可以購買我喜歡的東西；感情方面，我獨立、自主，所以我是被定義為幸福的人。

有些說自己不幸福的人，其實比我更幸福；他們沒有擁有太多東西， 甚至乎收入不穩，可是他卻得到不少人的主動協助、慰問；不過，這就是上天的公平了，因為他們缺了的、成為弱者的，自然該得到別人的憐憫、照顧、關懷，而我這些不缺的、堅強的，就該去支持、協助、關心別人.....

其實我也很想別人主動的關心我......我感覺我變了，不想再當好人.....

面對死亡後 我長大了

一直白白痴痴去當好人，永不會拒絕別人的要求，是太自以是，以為自己是救世主嗎？！

根本是自大包著自卑，自以為是的幻想自己能力有多大，其實是一無是處的廢物，也為不少人帶來無可估計的後果！

我想要長大了，不要再當別人的漏氣水泡，反而要找一對強壯的臂彎來依靠，我該當回真正的我，一個弱者！